CONFERENCE SOUTH
Att: 434
SUTTON UNITED – 1 [McBean 23]
DORCHESTER TOWN – 3 [Docker 6. Henry (13. 90]
Another Saturday, another game. To be honest, this Blue Square malarkey ain’t much different to that old Conference South stuff really. We’re not doing very well, can’t defend for toffee and look in for another 9 frustrating months gifting points to sides who we really shouldn’t. Call me mad if you want, but I reckon it’s still the same league. They’ve just changed the name, that’s all.
Ha! You can’t fool me.
Today’s visitors Dorchester should at least provide some entertainment. Considering the games between us average out at about 300 goals. Or something. Oh and we’ve had loads of penalties against ’em as well. Including both our only spot kicks last season. Naturally, we missed one of those.
The Magpies have made an equally impressive start to their campaign, starting with a 3-0 tonking of St Albans (which makes out 0-0 with ’em here look a bit pony if we’re honest), they’ve failed to win since. And all this since following the example of their good mates down at Weymouth and going full time.
Oh dear.
It’s another early start at the club as Windy and I dart about getting the tea hut sorted for opening time. It means we’re into the bar at the disgracefully late hour of almost 2pm. Right, pint please!
Here I find a certain ex-U sitting enjoying a beer. It seems he’s just had an op in a sensitive area and will be missing from his new club’s line up for about a month. Nice to see the rehab going so well mate. Never knew Budweiser had such medicinal properties!
Apart from that, the bar is pretty empty. The visitors don’t seem to have brought many and I guess the England game on straight after is keeping most of the usual floating observers firmly fixed to their sofas. Ho hum.
The team, as is the norm, is once again shuffled around, with Lewis switching to centre back and AJ dropping in at left back thanks to a knock for Darius that keeps him on the bench. Malik, the new signing on the right keeps his place. We just hope he’s a little more lively than the first half last week!
In the opening few minutes, we show promise. Attacking from the off and trying to make the early breakthrough. McBean holding the ball up on the right and laying it across the 18 yard line for Greene to strike a rising effort on goal being a very early example of this.
Unfortunately, it seems that the defence are still struggling to come to terms with the fact that if they’re on the pitch and people in different coloured shirts are running about a bit, it usually means the game has started. And before Haze can get the crayons out and start drawing pictures to get the message across, a suitably shite goal is conceded.
A ball down the left finds AJ a bit lacking and the recipent skips away from him, steps inside Lewis and rolls the ball past a sprawling Wilson across the box for a totally unmarked colleague to casually roll into the empty net. Now that’s shit gents. Really really shit.
McBean gets a sight of goal several minutes later when he runs nips in onto Montague’s flick on, but as he tries to step inside the defender, he gets a foot in and it’s enough to divert the ball back to the ‘keeper.
Two minutes later and with our defence still not grasping the ‘game underway’ concept, we’re 2 down.
AJ is again well out of his manor on the left and a simple ball in behind sends a man clear. He simply cuts in and with no challenge offered, he clips an effort from a narrow angle in off the top of the far post. M arvellous. Two attacks, two goals. Why is it oppo sides can manage that sort of thing with horrible regularity against us, yet to get a similar reward takes us about a month?
It takes a couple of minutes to find our feet again, but we’re soon pushing the visitors back looking for a goal of our own. And on 22 minutes, Warren really should reduce the defecit. A throw in from the right is aimed at the near post, Montague wins the flick and the ball drops to the edge of the area, where Tanner fires a low shot through the crowd. The ‘keeper sees it late and can only get down to push the shot out to McBean 6 yards out by the far post. But somehow, with the goal gaping, he manages to find the playground behind us in Cllingwood Rec.
Oh for fucks sake….
Thankfully, a minute later, Warren makes amends and does finally reduce the defecit. Hudson clips a ball in from the right, Montague dummies and lets it run past him for McBean to latch on behind and he calmly slips the ball under the keeper from the angle and into the far bottom corner.
Right, can we now stop pissing about and get this game back please?
We continue to have by far the better of the play from here on in, pushing the visitors back in search of an equaliser. A good chance comes our way on 31 mins, with some good play around the edge of the oppo box resulting in a ball out left for the supporting AJ. He swings a good cross to the near post, but Warren misjudges his jump slightly and the ball hits his shoulder rather than his head and loops just over.
Dorch responds within a minute. A quick counter attack through the middle is seemingly halted by a good last moment intervention from Scarbs, but the ball runs free out to the left and an attacker hits a swerving drive towards the near post that Wilson tips away acrobatically for a corner.
Phil is in action again a couple of minutes later, when a half volley from 20 yards out to the right hits a defender and loops towards goal. Our man between the posts has to fling himself to the left and push the effort away before scrambling up to recover it on the byeline.
But with half time lurking, we’re looking less likely to snatch that leveller before the break. The closest we come is a Nick Greene free-kick from the edge of the box that the ‘keeper gets down to gather low at his near post. Then as we head for the bar in anticipation of the break, Phil makes a vital save to ensure we’ve got a vague chance in the second half.
Another quick break causes us problems and the Dorch man tries his luck from the right from 12 yards. Phil gets down to block the effort, but it comes back off his body straight to the original striker. From almost point blank range, Wilson somehow spreads himself enough to block this effort as well.
Thank feck for that……
The half time break passes realtively quickly, filled as it is with the usual dull routine of waiting for a game to restart so you can get back down the pub ASAP. And before we do re-start, the visitors introduce 2 subs. Clearly, it seems someone felt we were getting a bit too much of the ball.
Selfish bastards. Could’ve at least waited until we’d equalised before bothering with all that old nonsense.
We start the half brightly and 5 mins in we get a glimpse of Malik’s reputed crossing ability, taking on the full back and curling a very inviting effort into the box from the right. But sadly, no bugger in an amber shirt is close enough to take advantage and the visitors manage to clear the danger.
We keep at the visitors, but chances are few and far between. On 64 mins, the unlikely figure of John Scarborough almost levels. Henry on as a sub recieves the ball and turns it into the right channel for Scooby to charge after into the box. But his low shot from the angle is just parried by the keeper and he takes enough off the effort to gather it at the second attempt before anyone can make anything of the loose ball.
Probably our best opportunity of the half comes on 69 minutes. A throw on the right finds McBean and he trns infield, cutting across the 18 yard line. Drawing defenders to him, he lays the ball across to Tanner in plenty of space. But with the goal at his mercy, he drives a fierce low effort a gnats chuff wide of the far post.
From here on in, we seem to really run out of steam and ideas and Dorchester start to look more and more comfortable with their lead. Our subs don’t help much either. With the more effective Montague already replaced with Jason Henry, we withdraw Paul Honey for Solomon Taiwo for some reason and effectively surrender the midfield. With 10 minutes left, our defensive nervousness returns and from a left sided corner, a weak Scooby header drops to an aunmarked man 25 yards out. He thumps a shot back on goal, only to see it flash just wide.
With us pushing up for the equaliser, more and more Dorch are hitting us on the break. One such moment almost seals the game. A quick counter down the centre looks to have put them clear on goal until a late intervention cuts out the attack. But the ball isn’t cleared and a midfielder following up curls a low shot just round the post from the edge of the box.
Another defeat is looking likely with time running out, but a bit of trickery from McBean almost brings a goal. A great run through the centre sees him somehow wriggle through into the heart of the penalty area. But, with the goal gaping, he seems to completely fluff his shot and spoons it over the bar. The ref it seems can’t quite believe he’s missed the target either and awards a corner, seemingly drawing the conclusion that the only way he could have missed is if the ball had hit a defender!
The corner comes to nothing and in the last couple of minutes, Dorch put the seal on their 3 points. One break ends up 3 on 1 but somehow, their bloke makes a Mark Watsonesque mess of his chance from almost point blank range in front of goal. Skewing the ball straight up into the air allowing Wilson to gather when the net should be bulging. But, with injury time ticking away, they do get a third goal.
Possession is lost in the Dorchester half anf the visitors break quickly again, once more creating a 3 on 1. This time, there’s no comedy finishing and the ball is played across the box left to right for the customary unmarked bloke to roll the ball into the empty net from 12 yards.
Arse.
Can we go now please?
It’s a quick close up over at Roses and then a dash to the bar for the England – Israel game on the box. The result is a little more pleasing, with the underachieving millionaires easily seeing off an Israeli side showing as much attacking intent as a particularly nervous Italian infantry regiment. Still, it provides a small distraction from another rather annoying defeat for our lot. Even Windy is cheered up by the Scots 3-1 win.
Pints drunk and not really fancying watching the Germans systematically dismantle Wales to component form over 90 minutes live on Sky, we head on down to the Hood to continue our evenings refreshment. Here we’re kept entertained by their annual charity auction, where they sell lots of assorted tat to raise money for the local hospice. The strangest sight of the night is landlord Ken accepting a challenge of wearing a pair of ladies boots, with 4 inch heels. With the trousers tucked in, he looks like a gay pirate who’s lost his hat.
Newport next week. Ooooh goody, probably another defeat and we also get the added bonus of being called ‘English cunts’ for 90 minutes.
That’ll cheer Windy up no end.
MoM : ???
TEAM : Wilson, Hudson,Scarborough, Gonsalves, Bray, Greene, Honey, Montague,Tanner, Buari, McBean SUBS : Pestle, Henry, Williams, Charles, Wright